You Thought You Knew The Mary-Sue
by Haripoons
Summary: In which many of the typical Harry Potter fanfic cliches will be made fun of such as Harry/Draco, Harry/Mary-Sue, and Dark!Vampire!Harry joins Voldemort. Chapter 1: Harry was in his sixth year at Hogwarts and he was bammin' slammin' bootylicious
1. Chapter 1

Harry was in his sixth year at Hogwarts and he was bammin' slammin' bootylicious. How you might ask, did Mr. Harrison the skinny abused noodle, turn into such a hot-bodied bamf. Well it all started one day in the supermarket. Harry was walking along, this was before he'd gained the all encompassing power of the swag that announced his presence in any room by radiating off his very essence. He was currently walking like someone with a twelve foot ruler shoved up their ass. He got to the supermarket to purchase more peanut butter for Dudley's diet. Because peanut butter isn't fatty at all. Especially considering this peanut butter had a different name, sounding suspiciously like something along the lines of "Nutella". Harry looked up at the aisles. His eyes were like orbs. Sexy green broccoli colored orbs, like in the books but not the movies. Suddenly, he saw the most perfect, gorgeous, amazing, meaning of his existence . . . granny smith apple. He turned his head to the side a bit and saw some girl. She was eyeing the apple too, but he needed that apple, he wouldn't let her get it, he would kill her, he'd sic Voldypants on her if he had to.

"You can have the apple," she smiled at Harrietta, her crystal orbs gleaming like the blackest ruby sapphire.

Suddenly, Harrilaide took a closer look at the girl standing between him and his apple. On closer inspection, she was gorgeous, with gleaming skin the color of mahogany sugarplums and luscious hair like burnished sunshine, she also had juicy curves and gloriously glossy lips that looked like two perfect pink little slugs that had just wriggled their way out of the dirt and plopped down on her face to die.

Harry took out his wand. "AVADA KEDAVRA" he yelled. As her body hit the ground with a dull thud, Harry ran to his apple and caressed it in his hands, murmuring sweet nothings as he gingerly touched his lips to its fair mottled skin.

What was he supposed to get again? Oh yeah, Nutell- I mean peanut butter. Suddenly, an owl swooped down through the air vent, carrying a vibrant red, blood orange, maroon, golden, ringlike, snake-faced, crying, emotional, mouse-nosed, sexy, sobbing limpid teared . . . envelope.

Harry glanced at the label with his asparagus orbs, shining with fear the color of tepid monkeys. "It's from, MOM?" He gasped, "But she's dead!" He looked closer, "Oh wait, there are little dots in between the letters. This is from the Ministry of Magic!"

Harry had never been the sharpest knife in the potions lab if you know what I'm sayin'. He was nothing like his friend Hermione. That ugly, beaver-faced wench who didn't even deserve being able to look upon his radiant shining booty. Of course, it wasn't as radiant back then, because he hadn't yet met . . . Claryssanya-yuki-dumbledork-monroe-clementyne-La poof.

But everyone just called her Clementyne Mareesoo (Try sounding out her last name. If you can't figure out what it stands for you're an idiot).

Anyways, the envelope contained a howler from the Minister himself, yelling at Harry about his irresponsible use of magic and his naturally lecherous face. Of course, the Minister forgot to consider that Harry was surrounded by muggles, staring at the howler like it was Satan himself, but not like the Supernatural Satan cause he's hot and then they would've just been swooning.

"Fudge you idiot," Harrykins yelled at the block of fudge that had fallen on the floor from the vibrations of the howler. "What's Dudley gonna eat now for his dieting reward?"

The fudge was silent. After a moment of deep pondering, it committed suicide. Nobody offended the Chosen One and lived to tell the tale. (And yes, we are still talking about an inanimate block of chocolate.)

Harebear slapped his forehead in sexy anguish, right over his also sexily burning, singeing, searing, sinfully angsty . . . scar. (We had you worried for a second there didn't we? Didn't we? Didn't we? Don't worry, this fanfic is rated M for . . . mildly appropriate. That is what it means, right? Right? *crickets*)

Anyways, Harry was so worried that Dudley would beat him up for not having fudge. Oh yeah, and he would have to appear before the ministry, again, for underage magic violations. While Harry drowned in a puddle of melancholy, a girl walked up. And this girl was the one, the only, the . . . . . . . . . . . CLEMENTYNE MAREESOO!

Harretrix looked into her black as the blackest sunrise, maroon, vampire, edward-cullenesque, sunsetting, glimmering, shimmering, God-just-gave-you-a-million-dollars, ruby, sapphire shining orangely expensive monkey juice, golden with green flecks of egg, essence of smexy destiel . . . orbs.

"Hot friggin damn," thought Harry, as he got lost in her ebony orange green pools.

Her face was like Corporal Levi and Petra and Hanji and Eren and Armin and Mikasa had a lovechild and named it the Colossal Titan which then proceeded to have a lovechild with Jean.

"Hello," she mouthed huskily, "I'm here to help you."

Her voice rang with the intonation of a female version of President Obama and Vladimir Putin's lovechild who married Mitt Romney, and then had an affair with the Queen of England.

"Hot diggity-diddly-doo" Harry was unable to refrain from gasping aloud as the sweet honey of her words melted his heart. "Ooh buckets of herbicide," he murmured loudly as he licked his lips, "I think I'm in love with a capital L."

Clementyne, (who's name is too long so we will now resort to calling her "Tyne") saved Harry from all his problems by confunding everyone and used her superior advanced mage magic to make him the hot-bodied smex-machine we all knew he'd grow up to be. Then she disappeared in a flash of sobbing raven feathers leaving her phone number on a small piece of paper inside a fortune cookie shaped like a dragon that she conjured from thin air with silent, wandless magic, leaving a gaping hole in Harry's juicy, red, delectable . . . heart.

"Alright, screw this crap," said Harry, "Imma be forgetting bout that creeper Tyne now, eat my apple, and go to court like a responsible young wizard.

**Author Note: I wrote this in collaboration with my friend. First ever posted fanfic. Give me flames or praise or whatever else. I accept all critiques I want my writing to be better. And this is parody so some parts are intentionally bad.**


	2. HarryDraco kind of

So, as we were saying, Harry was looking mighty fine at the beginning of his sixth year, and Draco Malfoy couldn't help but notice. Harry shifted uncomfortably as he felt the gaze of icy cold blue orbs burrowing into his spine. "Hermione, why's Draco Buttboy staring at me?" he asked, confused.

"Golly Harry," said the ugly beaver faced scumbag that didn't deserve to be graced with his presence, "You've gotten quite-" she licked her lips, "Attractive over the summer, and I'm sure everyone wants a piece of than fine boot- I mean . . . wants to get to know you better."

"Err, okay," said Harry, still uncomfortable from his rival's shameless stare.

It wasn't just Drakey-poo though, everyone at the station was checking out The-Boy-Who-Lived. How could tear your eyes away from those rippling abs, barely concealed by a cloak ripped up by a hippogriff. It was the new style.

Harry and Draco wasted 6 additional seconds of your life to share a heart-wrenching burning gaze of passionate lustful desire. Then Harripoons pulled a Corporal Levi and beat Draco to a bloody pulp. "You understand why I had to do that right?" he asked later on the train.

"I know," said Draco, "You were just trying to protect me from everyone else. They'd persecute me if they knew about my titan pow- I mean our secret love."

"I'm glad you've got the idea," said Harry, "Did I mention I'm not a thirty-four year old midget who doesn't know how to smile and is lusting after a fifteen year old boy but has a steadfast relationship with a seventeen year old girl on the side?"

"Why no Harry, you didn't mention that," Luna smiled, poking her head into the compartment, "I thought our relationship was quite steadfast."

Colin Creevey stepped into the compartment, "You're lusting after me? Oh Harry! I feel the sudden, irrepressible urge to change my name to Eren Jaeger! Can I call you Heichou? Levi Heichou?" (If you didn't get this reference go watch all episodes of the anime attack on titan and then come back and reread this).

And then Harry realized that he didn't love Draco, he loved Colin. And maybe Luna. And possibly Ron, Hermione, Dumbledore, McGonagall, Snape, Lupin, Sirius, his parents, Dobby, and Lord Voldemort. That takes care of the romance aspect doesn't it.

"How can I choose between Dumbles and Lord Voldy," he moaned, "They're both just so sexy!" He cried sensuously like a whiny little baby as he ate his chocolate frog throwing away the card because it was Rufus Scrimegeour and he didn't like that jerkwad anyway.

Stupid ugly beavmione and the weasel were snogging in one the cars and Harifroon didn't want to intrude so he decided to wander into a different compartment. Unfortunately, that one had Ginny making out with her newest boy-toy. Blimey, Ginny sure has a lot of chest hair, Harry thought as he closed the compartment door. Finally he just went back to Malfoy's compartment and bought some candy. And they all lived happily ever afte . . . Oh HE-ELL no. You thought it was over? I don't think so, this thang is gone continue for a loo-ong time. Harrypoo ain't outta them woods yet.

**END CHAPTER TWO: NEXT CHAPTER: VAMPIRE DARK HARRY JOINS VOLDY (spoiler alert)**


	3. Harry Goes to the Dark Side

Harry was a vampire. At age seventeen, during the war against Voldipoons, he'd been turned by an elder vampire. The vampire had introduced himself as Sanguini, Smexy Sanguini. (Sanguini means blood in latin. It's very very overused. Cliche much?) Harry had spent the last year living as a member of the vampire nation in a fortress. He discovered his undeniable love for violence and his sadistic side (yes he has one. Yes he's OOC. Its common in many fanfics).

"Sanguiiiiniii," Harry whined at his adoptive elder vampire, "I don't want to be on the "light" side of the war. They kicked me out after I went bloodsucker, they don't deserve my help."

"Now, now Haripoons," Sanguini murmered in a deep, sexy, yet mentor-like voice, "There is no right or wrong for vampires. Do whatever makes you happy." His lustful eyes burned saucily in his dark, onyx-blood jade gaze.

"I'm gonna help Volderang," Harry admitted, shamefaced, "At least he'll let me torture peoples."

"You can always return here," Sanguini growled (because he never talks in a voice that's not sexy or animalistic.) like a sexy panther that was really tall, dark, and sexy. Did I mention that he was sexy?

"Kiss me goodbye!" Harry told him.

"Oh Harry, I would," crooned Sanguini, "But I need to leave you emotionally unattached so you can start a romantic relationship with Voldemort."

Harilair cried bloody vampire tears as he went outside for a few moments of sparkling in the sunlight. (Thank you for that Stephanie Meyer). The next morning (cause Harry didn't need to sleep at night like a normal vampire since he had magic), Harry set out to find, and join, the Dark Albino (Hey those are kind of contradictory terms aren't they? Hahaha, Fanfiction writer don't care, fanfic writer don't give a s***).

Harreem followed his perfectly honed vampire tracking senses and found that Voldeena was hiding out in the Malfoy Mansion. The wards were up, but being the magic and logic and everything else defying beaaaaaaast that he was, Harfarkins tore down the glimmering, shimmering, vulnerable, transparent, but at the same time strong and muscular, wards that kept all of the dark-mark-less members of the wizarding community out of Malfoy's big-ass house. And Harree didn't just tear the wards down, he tore 'em down like a kindergartener's paper mache project.

He crept through the hallways, avoiding the death eaters strolling to various portions of the mansion, until he reached the study. He slammed the door open and strolled in like he ruled the place. "Hello Volderra," Harels bellowed, "I've come to join your side of the fight."

Voldemourns spun around in one of those rolly muggle chairs he was so fond of and Harry gasped in shock. The naked, albino, ugly Voldeport had reverted back to Tom friggin' Riddle! And he was gooooood lookin' if Harry said so himself.

"Well, well," Riddly murmered, "I must say this is certainly an . . . unexpected visit. And pray tell me Mr. Potter. Why would you want to join the Dark side of this war?"

"Because," Harry whispered, "I am your father."

"What?" Voldemort asked, eyes widening in surprise.

"Just kidding, Tommy-boy," Harry laughed, "I'm guessing you've never seen Star Wars." His expression sobered, "But the real reason I want to join is cause Dumbleedorf is a manipulative old coot who doesn't deserve my help and everyone abandoned me after I went vampso."

"You're a vampire? Severus never informed me of this development!"

Harry laughed derisively, "Hate to break it to you Tomm-o, but Snape's been on Dumb n' Dumbler's side for a while. He's probably like a quintuple agent by now."

"How dare he betray me!" Riddleck hissed, "That fool!"

"Well," said Harring placatingly, "You did kind of kill my mom. Who he loved. After you said you wouldn't. And you hurt people. And you torture him a lot. I'd think most people would get fed up."

"I tire of this conversation," Riddlee-dee-doo sighed, "Tell me, Potter, what you plan to do in order to benefit my side, as you call it."

"Well," Harry began, "I was thinking of going back to the light side and pretending to be good again and showing them my uber-awesome strength and then being a double agent for you and then . . ." he paused for effect, " . . . KILL THEM ALL. MWAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"Sounds like a plan," said Voldles, "But enough of this boring plot, kiss me like we're Levi and Eren in a bad fanfic!"

**this story line may or may not be continued in later chapters**


End file.
